Blog Post
2025-04-01
i have been using various platforms since I was 12 - tumblr, twitter, instagram, very very briefly tiktok, now fetlife, etc. anything that I can scroll, I want to scroll. anything to suck at my attention so I can distract myself from any moment of boredom.
it makes me feel terrible! whether algorithmic to find my tastes or simply promoting the things my friends look at, social media tends towards the miserable topics as a whole. I forget why I joined - to connect with friends and community - and lose myself in constantly viewing hateful, disgusting, venty, or otherwise upsetting content.
when combined with an anxiety disorder and obsessive/compulsive tendencies, I force myself to doomscroll in the name of awareness. I have to be aware of every mind bogglingly inhumane government action, every climate-driven disaster telling me I have no future. I have to be aware of every discourse du jour, every relationship gone wrong, every crime of which I could be a victim in some other reality, if I squinted. I feel obligated to keep my friends up to date on the stream of despair and shame them if they have no interest in the constant checking, because in my constructed reality, checking is the only way to be "safe."
i try to cultivate my socials so I can be calmer and happier. I've deleted and remade accounts, switched platforms, reorganized follow lists, muted and blocked freely. but nothing works. no matter how tightly I prune down my feed, the weeds come back in, and I let them because I should be aware, right? it's my responsibility to be aware. sticking my head in the sand is only going to get me hurt.
but I am already getting hurt. i am subjecting myself to cruelty by shoving myself in front of the feed of endless despair. I am allowing myself to compulsively check over and over until I am paralyzed with fear that the world is out to get me. i am convincing myself my paralysis is the same as safety. I am fucking over my relationships, my health, myself with my overwhelming fear of the constructed world I view through my screen.
I don't know what to do. I am terribly, terribly afraid of what other people think of me now, and it's the fault of being under this surveillance feed that I willingly stream myself to. i cannot cut myself off entirely without losing contact with friends and community, and yet I am worse off with those friends and communities when I am sickened by the effects of the platforms meant to connect us. I don't know how to fix it.
i wish i could scream. i am too scared.